You may be tempted to use this exercise as a forum to get your partner to change. Having such a motive is manipulative, leading to frustration and further misunderstanding. The Work is not for people who want to be right. It's for people who want to be free. We have been other-realized forever. The Work is about self-realization.

Step 1 ? Fill out a Worksheet

Each person involved in the conflict fills out a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet (available from Katie's book, Loving What Is, or from www.thework.org) with their honest, direct, and petty judgments of the other.

Step 2 ? Take turns reading the Worksheets

Decide who will be Partner A and who will be Partner B. Partner A shares his or her Worksheet aloud, statement by statement, without crosstalk, speaking directly to Partner B in the second person. For example, "I'm angry at Paul because he doesn't love me" becomes "Paul, I'm angry at you because you don't love me." After each statement, Partner A pauses and makes eye contact with Partner B.

Partner B's job is to meditate on each statement, one by one, and see where Partner A is right. Whether Partner B finds it or not, he or she replies only with "Thank you." Only that?no more and no less. Partner A has just shared the gift of his or her painful thoughts. Partner B, notice any desire you have to justify or defend. Stop, listen, and feel, and respond only with "Thank you."

When Partner A has finished reading all the statements from the Worksheet, switch positions so that Partner B now reads his or her Worksheet aloud, and Partner A listens, following the same procedure outlined above.

Step 3 ? Facilitate inquiry

If a third party is present to facilitate, this facilitator helps both partners to question their Worksheet statements in turn (after Partners A and B have completed reading their Worksheets to each other).

If there is no third party present, Partner A facilitates Partner B through the entire Worksheet, going through all four questions and the turnaround for each statement. At this point, Partner B reads the Worksheet as he or she wrote it, in the third person ("I'm angry at Paul because he doesn't love me").

When asking question number three, you may want to add these sub-questions:

"How does it feel when you think that thought? Where do you feel that thought in your body? And notice in your life if this is when you go to the refrigerator, cigarette, shopping, alcohol, wanting a different partner."

"How do you treat Partner B when you think that thought?" Be specific. How do you treat yourself?"

"How does it feel to treat Partner B that way?"

"Does that thought bring stress or peace into your life?"

Partner A's job is to listen only. Notice the temptation to add or subtract something. Stop. Go back to listening. This is an active role?remember that this inquiry is for you, not for the other.

When Partner B has finished questioning the Worksheet, the roles are reversed. Partner B facilitates Partner A.

Step 4 ? Discussion

Now discuss what you realized about yourself, how you, not your partner, could live differently, and how those changes might contribute in a positive way to your own life as well as to the relationship. As you share?from the heart?your own possible changes, ask for your partner's help in this process. Ask him or her to help as you make changes in your life by reminding you each time you slip back into your old patterns?but ask only if that is what you truly want. Make it a game to see if your partner can catch your slips before you catch them yourself. Discuss subtle signals to use in this process and kinder ways of communicating. Pointing out the other's patterns without kindness may feel hurtful inside you. Also, the agreement can end at any time. Be gentle and respect when your partner is too fragile for reminders and does not want your feedback or help. Don't try to do this exercise perfectly; have fun instead. Change doesn't have to be a stressful experience.

When you notice that you step into your partner's business without permission, stop and move back into your own again. Notice the stress that comes from being mentally out of your own business, the stress of trying to change another human being before he or she has sincerely asked for your assistance. This process is the beginning of the end of war with your partner.

Conclusion